Well, it's been so long since I posted

that I really doubt anyone will ever read this post but me. But that's all right. Frankly, I am feeling pretty down in the dumps. Or in the "Humpy Dumpy," as Daisy would say.

Husband and I are absolutely at the end of our clever ideas for how to get the child to sleep through the night. Her going-to-bed ritual is the most brilliant thing ever. It takes five minutes, swear to God. She sometimes even asks for "bed." She nurses very briefly, she drinks a bottle briefly, she gives us each a goodnight hug, she snuggles on to her monkey, and then she cheerfully accepts going into her crib.

Then midnight arrives. Or 1:30, as it was last night. And the inconsolable crying starts. We were up between 1:30 and 4:45 trying to get her back to sleep. Here's what does not work: rocking her, giving her a bottle, or nursing. We've tried a sort of variation on "cry it out," going in at intervals, but it is so terribly painful and doesn't seem to work, either. She can easily stay up all night doing it, and last time we tried it seriously, she barfed voluminously.

Last night I managed to get her to go to sleep at 4:30 AM by lying down next to her crib. Every now and then she said, "Mamas?" (I am "da Mamas" and Mark is "Da Dadas"). And I said, "I'm here!" And she finally went to sleep. This kind of convinces me that what we're dealing with here is separation anxiety.

But I don't know. I feel pretty sure I don't know anything. Hardcore crying it out seems the only option left, and I don't think we can do it, nor do we feel confident it would work.

Oh, but we are trying something else now; I am going to go in and lie down next to the crib when she gets upset. I am not sure this will work, either, but since it was the only thing that eventually worked last time, it's worth trying.

Things are hard

I am tired. I am frustrated. Daze had another screaming fit when we put her to bed tonight, though she did go to sleep after awhile. But... I don't know. Things don't feel right. I don't feel confident about my mothering. I want to wean, but instead, she seems to be nursing more than ever. Today I know I nursed once in the morning, three times during the day, and once at night--because she demanded it and then started throwing a tantrum when I resisted. I want to wean her, at this point. But it just isn't happening "organically," the way I know it's happened for other people. It's a problem, because I can't get her to sleep anymore with nursing, and she won't accept a bottle from me. She screams, "Nurse! Nurse!" and writhes till she can get into the nursing position. So other people can get her to sleep more easily than I can, because she'll accept a bottle from them (from Mark or from my mother). Oh yes--and I'm supposed to be weaning her from the bottle, too. Ha.

This is not a good time of my life.