Well, it looks like I might be taking a break from my family of origin for awhile... my mother is here and things are bad and I don't think I can continue this arrangement anymore (where she comes once a week and we pay her from our child care stipend USF gives us). The comments she made are definitely out of line; she told me she "doesn't understand why people in their thirties are so tired all the time" (that would be Mark and I) and that she feels as if all the hard work she does for us just "isn't paying off"--that she "isn't seeing any progress." Like we are some kind of charity she's invested her money in, but now she needs to reconsider her investment, given how little progress we've made! These criticisms were also embedded in other criticisms of me and the messiness of my house (which also plagues me, but I seem to have a hard time keeping up with it).
All these remarks were made pretty much within ten minutes of walking in the door. She arrived after having been away a week, and during that week all three of us have been sick. Nevertheless, we have still both gone to our jobs, graded papers, prepared classes, taken care of Daisy, cooked meals, done loads of laundry, and averaged 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night. But she can't understand why people in their 30s would be so tired.
I am starting to think that part of the problem (though it doesn't entirely explain the nastiness and ugliness of her remarks) is that we have this arrangment where we pay her. Hence, her role is truly unclear. Is she somehow our employee, so that when she's here we can expect her to take care of Daisy while we do other things? (Not things for pleasure, mind you-- I mean, catch up on laundry and dishes, run errands, and work on my schoolwork.) Or is she here more in the capacity of grandmother, someone who enjoys time with her grandchild and wants to be doing this, rather than doing it for earnings? It is all somewhat blurred and confusing. I think somehow that this confusion of roles might be making her nastiness more possible.
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It seems like her grandmother role makes it harder to take issue with the nastiness--with a regular employee, you could just fire her. Of course, I have always felt guilty when I hire people to do something I feel like is my own job, such as doing housework, and I end up taking lots more sh*t than I would have if it was a family member. (Or I would have at least talked back to a family member and not had a huge grudge in my mind).
Another question I have, might she still come over if you stopped paying her?
Hi Anonymous (I am most curious, who are thee?). Yes-- I think the mixing of the roles has been adding tension to our situation. I feel guilty whenever I seem to be treating her as an employee, but on the other hand, I NEED someone to watch Daisy during certain hours so I can get work done. I feel awkward asking her to help me, and she reacts defensively; she told me she thinks I have been implying she doesn't deserve the money. I think the situation is bad and that I should stop paying her. The thing that hurts is the idea that the university sets aside this money for us (it's not very much, but it's something), and that we wouldn't be taking it, when we are all so poor.
At this point, I don't think I want her to come over for awhile, unfortunately, in the capacity of either grandmother OR employee. She is just making me feel so crappy... guilty, and anxious, and crappy, and hurt.
I forgot to sign my name--it is me, Melissa. How did you start paying her in the first place? It is good that you get money for childcare, but can you get by without her coming over? It reminds me for some reason of the issue of child support, of why it bothers me that money becomes an issue when raising a child. Would your mom do it if she wasn't getting paid? (From what I have read, she would.) Ugh--I feel for you. If you want to vent more via email, feel free. My mom just told me she wants to move and be near us--and seeing your issue reminds me that there are good and bad aspects of this! :-)
Ugh. I'm sorry. That sounds awful. I don't really have any advice, but I think it's good that you're looking at setting a limit.
well this all sounds familiar to me, even tho we don't have a kid! But some interesting family dynamics since Tom's mum lives in Cornwall several days a week taking care of Tom's sister's kids while his sister adjusts to her new job which has varying shifts (the first month she was on the other side of the country doing training).
And we also get to deal with mother dynamics as we live with her in her house in Devon the rest of the time! So just remember that there are good days and bad days.
Tom had to be reminded yesterday of the good aspects. I do think it's harder on him than me! But I really appreciate living here even if she does drive me crazy sometimes.
hope you can all work it out.
Sarah,
Did your mom work when SHE was your age and had kids?
Mine did not, and I get that same pushme-pullyu resentment from her sometimes too. I think it's simply a generation gap, where it was the job of moms back then to stay home with the kids. I work full time, and it's hard sometimes having a grandma who has no concept of a mom working as much as a dad.
--Lee
Lee,
I think you are exactly right. She did have two kids close in age, which was very hard, but she didn't work till we were quite a bit older. That, along with differences in our temperaments, means some trouble :-)
Sarah
Hi Katherine,
It is so nice to hear from you! I need to check out your blog. Yes, I am sure there are issues with living together, even without a 2-year-old being involved. I'm very interested in how it's all going, especially as we have been talking with my parents about possibly all getting a place together, for both practical and emotional reasons... probbaly sounds nuts given what I said in this post, but I do think about it, especially with the costs of maintaining our two households (and Mom being here so much of the time anyway... and poor Dad getting left alone while she's here). We'd have to get a place where the spacial layout was conducive to everyone's sanity, of course.
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