One of the problems with blogs is that every post you create seems to stand for some big, dramatic statement about your life, possibly The Truth about you, instead of just being whatever mood you were in that day. So I feel like I should first say, "Don't worry about me, these are just some thoughts that floated through my brain, not an irrevocable and unchanging comment about my state of mind."
Anyway, though, I have been thinking today about the fact that I often tell myself (frequently while sitting on the bus, giving myself a little pep talk on the way to work), "Just relax about that! Stop stressing yourself out so much. Just try to enjoy your life." But, if you are trying to enjoy life, how much can you possibly be enjoying it? Then you just start worrying about whether your trying is effective, if you are trying hard enough, should you be trying harder or in some different, more effective way.... It's like lying in bed telling yourself, "Fall asleep! You need rest! You're running out of time! The baby will be awake in four hours, and then you'll be sorry!" Which I also do. Of course.
Sadly, I really do want to enjoy my life. Unlike when I was in my teens and twenties, I now feel fairly sure that I am not immortal and that one day I'll regret not having enjoyed it more, when it's close to being over.
I was thinking today how totally revealing of me and my neuroses the title of the blog is. I couldn't think of a title, so I slapped this one on it, and then started to worry that it sounded show-offy, because obviously it calls to mind "A Star is Born." I didn't want to imply that this blog was a star, so I shoved the word "humble" in to rectify any possible misunderstanding.
I am probably the sort of person who should learn to meditate, since one of the problems with me is that I over-think everything. That was another thing I HATED in my teens and twenties: people who told me I was over-thinking things. I just knew they were soulless, conscience-less twits living an epicurean, grossly physical life, putting their heads down on their pillows every night blissfully free of any awareness of the suffering of others in the world.
Now do think that maybe I think too much-- as Becky Peacock once told me, senior year of college, in her comments on a chapter of my senior thesis. She wrote in her neat, feminine, Becky Peacock-like handwriting: "Sarah has too many ideas. She needs to pick one and go with it." At the time, I was full of contempt for Becky Peacock--perky Becky and her best friend, Lolly, who were among the many reasons why I didn't enjoy going to Scripps very much. I probably thought, deep down, that I was better than they were because I was suffering more (though I have to say that Lolly suffered very greatly one day in our senior seminar when the professor went through her chapter and proved that she had misread and hence misused every single quotation in the whole chapter--every single one. I am not exaggerating. Lolly was quite hurt, and I felt bad for her). But back to Becky: now I'm not so sure that she might not have been on to something.
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8 comments:
I'm tempted to say that there is no such thing, really, as over-thinking -- especially compared to the utter lack of thinking most people display.
Still, I know what you mean -- I've had thoughts just going around and around my head, getting bigger and bigger each time around, until eventually they seem to fill the universe itself. Then I have to tell myself, "Stop it, it's not that important." But of course it's important to ME.
Yeah, I hear ya.
Even though my blog tends to be diametrically opposite to yours (you: descriptive, evocative, a few photos, me: just the facts, straightforward prose, and lots of video), I know what you mean about worrying how a single post will come across through the annals of time.
I also know what you mean about worrying. I have the same falling asleep issues as you, but more for napping than sleeping at night. Also, when I met my grad school roommate, I knew she was Canadian so I obsessed in my head about not laughing when she said "about." I thought so hard about it that all I could do when she finally did say it was burst out laughing. Telling myself to do something mentally often results in the opposite of the desired effect. And I share a bit of your obsessive thoughts issue. My coworker says it's called "shenpa" in some Chinese dialect or something. Shenpa - the inability to let a thought go.
Doesn't it strike you as funny that two ways to combat obsessive thoughts are completely opposite of each other? With meditation, you are supposed to learn to control your thoughts while the other thing that works -- distracting yourself -- hinges on tricking yourself into not thinking? I can only do the latter. Lately, I have tried to visualize a stop sign, though. Sometimes it works. It's always easier to tell someone else to stop obsessing over something small and ridiculous than it is to tell yourself, though.
BTW I realize this post is sort of stream-of-consciousness and doesn't really have much to add to your musings. Apologies...
I do the exact same thing--overthink every damn thing, and tell myself to stop fretting an enjoy my life. My babies are growing up before my very eyes, and I keep reminding myself to enjoy every minute of it. But then I worry, how do I let go of the worries and just enjoy? Am I spending too much effort to enjoy this to the point it's not enjoyable? And so on. My husband points out that I can frequently be my own worst enemy. There are days I envy happy idiots, and then there are days I worry about same happy idiots. Sigh!!!
Lee
Yes-- I tend to think that way, too (that there is no such thing as over-thinking). For some reason, that expression really bothers me. How can you "overthink" things? It is in the same category as the word "oversensitive" for me--two things I was accused of doing/being when I was younger (overthinking, oversensitive). Those are two positive attributes, ostensibly... how can you think too much or demonstrate too much sensitivity?
Except... I do have SOME kind of problem :-) It's just that I don't want to hear about it from people who don't value thinking and sensitivity! Maybe another thoughtful and sensitive person can advise me on this, and I will listen :-)
Lee-- I completely relate to what you wrote. Yes. I guess there has to be some middle ground we can occupy. Happy and non-idiotic? I have never been able to figure out how those qualities could go together, but I am sure I could think of a person I know as an example, if I try hard enough. Although everyone I know who's pretty smart is also, at least, pretty ANXIOUS a lot of the time, if not actively unhappy. Hmmmm.
I want to enjoy these baby years, too, esp. since I'm not too sure I'll be having another.
Deb-- what you wrote about your Canadian roommate makes me think of that Fawlty Towers skit where John Cleese is trying not to mention "the war" to his German customers, but in his efforts he ends up mentioning it over and over again. Did you ever see that episode? When I was a kid I thought "Fawlty Towers" was the funniest show in the world. Now, I still can't help liking it but there are some awfully disturbing racial stereotypes in there, aren't there?
A friend advised me to try a form of meditation which just involves focusing on breathing, and counting breaths. I think it might be a good thing to try. I have a hard time slowing my thoughts down, and this might help.
I so hear you on the overthinking. I can't tell you how many nights I spent completely sleepless because I was obsessing over some stupid, random occurance that happened during the day that, chances are, no one else involved gave a second thought.
I've also thought of taking a couple meditation classes at one of the temples or something. My biggest problem with trying to meditate so far is that any time I try to just let the thoughts go and think of nothing my brain always fills in with my own Muzak version of "The Girl From Ipenima." I really wish I was joking about that.
ok. i don't know if this helps at all... but i am a friend of yours who is, you know, fairly smart and pretty damn happy. AND i was also raked over the coals when I was younger for over-thinking and being too sensitive (and weird too - don't forget weird!!!!) i have empathy for almost everything. it can be a real problem sometimes - remember the pigeon hit by the car scenario? I can feel sorry for a slug just because it LOOKS unhappy (talk about projecting!). When I have PMS, I find myself creating wild back-stories for homeless people that I see in the tenderloin and end up practically making myself cry. I mean - I don't even know if they are true?!?!?!
but ANYway -
i don't really know how to explain it, because like most things that are truly amazing, they are hard to articulate, but quite simply, at some point I found a way to get over myself. it doesn't mean that i don't have bad days or days when I'd rather NOT go to work or class or the theatre or what have you, but that's normal. and the rest of my days are just pretty damn good. sometimes a little too hectic. but good. pretty damn good. I'm lucky enough to feel happy and lucky that I feel happy and happy that I feel lucky. Or something like that. i mean, i still don't have a dog…. I still don't book half the things I audition for…. I don't have enough time…. Just like any American female, I'll never be as thin, strong or whatever as I wish I could be… and so on and on and on… but those things can make or break you depending upon how much energy and importance you let them have….you know?
the trip cross country really helped solidify some things that were already moving me in the right life direction. I tell you - a month away from your life gives you some damn good perspective. So - let's see - some random thoughts that help the Arwen and maybe ring true for you too.
* there's not enough time in this lifetime, so 1) just get out there and do it; and 2) stop obsessing/worrying about whether you are good enough or smart enough or talented enough or interesting enough or [fill-in -the-blank] enough and get the fuck out there and DO IT (or at least TRY it); and 3) who cares about what other people will think (yes - I know this one is easier said than done, but it's SOOOO true) - you don't have enough time to worry about them and honestly they probably aren't even noticing you anyway so stop being self-centered and obsessive and just get out there and do whatever the hell IT is.
* you really are tremendously lucky to have the life you have. Period.
* the small shit matters. Some days I ride my bike through the panhandle and it's glorious and sunny and I just think - this is it. This is the good stuff. As I came home from Jen Weed last night (more good stuff!) and saw the incredible, huge, lovely, looming, just-short-of-full moon in the sky, I thought - that is the good stuff. Rowsby woof preening my eyelashes is the good stuff. Little shit goes a long way. :)
* injecting positive energy into world really does seem to create more positive energy in your direction. Of course there will always be people who suck… people who throw you the finger out their car door… people who cut in front of you in line… people who want you to be miserable because they are miserable (something I deal with a lot with theatre people. Dear god!!!!). but I do think, as cheesy-ass as it sounds, that if you add more positive energy and smiles and laughter and shit like that to a day rather than getting mired in your own obsessive, anxiety ridden hole, people notice and can really feel it and quite often you really do 'get what you give'.
* and now I'm going to stop, because I just re-read this and I sound like such a freaking positive polly, but finally - my last thought - the thing that the trip taught me the most: chill the fuck out. It's almost definitely not worth getting THAT mad or upset or crazy or worried or what have you over. (Arwen really needed that one - it's been a LONG, hard lesson to learn.)
Over-thinking and being over-sensitive can be very frustrating sometimes, to be sure. But it's our lot and we just have to find a way to negotiate the world in our weird ass hypersensitive way…. ;)
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