I am constantly thinking of changing careers. I could write many paragraphs about this, but since I have a ton of grading to do tonight (final grading) I'll try to sum it up briefly: I care very much about my students, but I struggle with a lot of feelings of inadequacy and just plain discomfort in my role as a teacher, particularly as it relates to the performative aspects... getting up in front of them day after day to try to be brilliantly illuminating while simultaneously hilarious and captivating, and all on the subjective, elusive subject of "good college writing."
Anyway. I am always thinking of changing careers. And then the end of the semester comes, and no matter how many times it's happened before, I am surprised and touched by the reactions of my students. Several of them wanted to take a picture with me, many of them told me they'd miss me and the class, and I got quite a few sweet and moving emails from them. And today I found out one of my students won an honorable mention in USF's student writing contest, for a paper she wrote for my class-- not a small feat, considering she's a freshman in a required writing class and the contest is open to all students at USF, including seniors writing for classes in their majors.
So I am currently feeling warmly disposed, both toward my individual students and toward the profession. It's just that I know I can't keep going the way I have been, can I? As a perpetual adjunct? It's worked for me so far, because for a time I was working on my dissertation and teaching part-time, and now I am being a mother and teaching part-time; so part-time seems okay, at the moment. But I always feel like I need to show my commitment to the career by applying for full-time work, or else move on to something else...and I just don't know what to do, for all kinds of reasons.
3 comments:
I think that your student's reactions speak to who you are as a person and doesn't just reflect the position--that is a big accomplishment! If you do chose to go on to some other career one day, at least you have that warmth and ability to connect that I think is pretty rare no matter what profession you are in. (I know this doesn't shed much light on your decision or various thoughts on this issue, but I don't have any sage advice, just similar feelings)
I know what you mean. I mean, I REALLY know what you mean. But don't overestimate the value of commitment. Life changes. Be committed one semester at a time, if that's convenient. I find I'm comfortable with the simple question, Do I want to do this again next year? Thinking about doing it until I'm 65 makes me hyperventilate.
me too. me too.
i question the vaildity of my profession as well as the pain/suffering vs. reward aspects... and i question my commitment on a daily basis. i've always had a gnawing fear about putting my eggs all in one basket... what happens if they break? what do you do then? so i spread them too thin. that way, at the end of the day, if a couple of them break, i still have some intact ones to crawl back to...
basically, what i'm trying to say is that total commitment to anything is terrifying. i suck at it. BUT - i do try to approach everything with the 'grab each day by the balls and live the hell out of it' sort of philosophy. sometimes this works. sometimes it doesn't.
anyway...i think i'm rambling. i just wanted to be another voice letting you know that questioning this stuff is part of my life too. big time. :)
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